


Self-Destruction

by naturesreject



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College, College AU, Cutting, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, ah when you write so much smut you gotta mark it as safe, hooty hoo there's a lot of tws for this one, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 05:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15333255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturesreject/pseuds/naturesreject
Summary: The two met in class and quickly became close friends. However, Spencer has no clue what is hidden under the surface...





	Self-Destruction

The days were getting longer and longer, and there was nothing I could do to stop the never ending thoughts in my brain. I would wake up, go to classes, work, sleep, repeat. It was a devastating cycle. I’d do anything to feel something… different. I didn’t want to destroy myself, but I couldn’t stand feeling so numb all of the time. 

I tried my best to make good decisions while making some of my worst: binge drinking at parties but never driving myself home, spending most of my time high off my ass but making sure I was getting my weed from someone credible - shit like that. It worked for a bit, but after a while that also became part of the cycle. My attempt at changing my boring life only made it worse. I resented myself and the feeling that no matter what I did, nothing would change. 

I never wanted to kill myself, but as a last resort, I took to self harm. At first it was cutting, but it eventually became a general avoidance of safety as well. I’d run across high traffic streets to get where I needed to be, walk down shady alleys in the dead of night, forget to eat for days on end, and get very little sleep. I must have looked like a walking zombie.

If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything about it. Nothing to me at least. Despite what I was doing to myself, I was fairly high maintenance. I adored makeup and fashion, they were the last things I could really use to show who I was. It was very rare that I left my dorm before doing myself up. I suppose this could be off putting, considering I didn’t have a specific “look”, so to say. One day I could be decked out in spikes and a leather jacket, and the next I could look like a pastel princess. I didn’t like being on person for too long. 

It was a new semester, and I wasn’t really looking forward to anything special. There was the usual influx of transfer students along with the freshmen, but nothing too interesting. It wasn’t until my first lecture of the day that someone caught my eye. I had my stuff sprawled out across two seats, not paying attention to the quickly filling room. I had zoned out from lack of sleep when someone tapped my shoulder, making me jump. 

The boy flinched at my reaction. Well, boy wasn’t quite the right word. He was clearly close to my age, but had quite the baby face. He had long hair tucked behind his ears and a pair of glasses sitting at the bridge of his nose. “Can I - er, I’m sorry to bother you, but there… there’s not very many seats left. Mind if I sit here?” he asked. I remembered my stuff and quickly started moving everything. 

“I’m sorry… There weren’t this many people in any of my classes last year,” I explained. “I’m [X], and you are?” I asked. 

“Spencer. It’s nice to meet you,” he said. I couldn’t tell if he was shy or just a bit awkward. Something about him, though, was different. I felt like my skin was on fire. 

“What are you majoring in?” I asked, mentally scolding myself for asking such a generic question. 

“Uh, currently psychology and sociology. Double major. I really hope to do a lot more in the future, though,” he answered. “What about you?” 

“Biology. I’ve wanted to be a medical examiner since forever,” I laughed. “Kind of a grim dream, don’t ‘cha think?” 

“No, no, not at all actually. It’s really interesting,” he said. I could feel a light blush on my face. The professor begins talking at the front of the room, and I used that as an excuse to turn and hide my red cheeks. Spencer didn’t talk much while the lecture was in process, but he did laugh at the jokes I made under my breath. 

An hour of taking notes and cracking jokes later, the professor finally ended his lecture. I started packing up my things before getting up to leave for lunch. I stopped and turned to Spencer, not wanting to stop feeling the flames, no wanting to stop feeling alive. 

“Hey, uh, Spencer?” He looked at me when he heard his name. “Do you wanna grab lunch? I mean, I don’t even know if you’re free, but-”

“I’d love to, [X],” he answers with a big smile. I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “Where were you thinking?” 

“Well, there’s this amazing cafe on campus that has the best food,” you suggested. 

“Sounds good. Lead the way, captain,” he gave me a mock salute, making me laugh much more than I had wanted to. I began leading the way out of the lecture hall and across campus. We talked and laughed the entire time we were walking to the cafe. When we finally arrived, we both ordered. I began pulling out my wallet, but Spencer stopped me. 

“Oh, come on, I’ve gotta pay for mine,” I said. 

“No, it’s on me. You’re the first person I’ve met here who wasn’t a total asshole, so take this as a little ‘thank you,’” he says. 

“I- Spence that’s not needed,” I tried to convince him to just let me pay for my food, but while I was talking he had already paid. “Okay, if you think I’m ever gonna lose that easily again, you’re sorely mistaken.” He just laughed at your comment. The two of you sat in silence as you waited for your food. 

\-------------------------------------------------------

Months later, we were still hanging out. We had movie marathons and game nights. I always pretended to hate playing games with him since I lost most of the time, but in reality, I adored the look on his face when he won. Things started getting better for me, but soon enough the cycle was starting again. 

I tried to stop the feeling of helplessness. I had a friend now, I could just tell him. Something inside of me forced me to keep quiet.  _ “You don’t want to bother him with your problems. You would just manipulate him into caring,” _ I told myself over and over. I started cutting again, and it kept the thoughts at bay, for the most part. 

One night, I was sitting in my dorm. My roommate had transferred schools last semester, and no one else had been here aside from me since then. It had been a long day. I got called out for dozing off by a professor. I missed lunch because work called me in unexpectedly. I was exhausted. My brain just wouldn’t shut up.

The moment went by in a blur, and the next thing I knew, my arms were covered in blood. It sometimes happened like that. I would zone out during the act, and before I knew it, I had taken it too far. I tried to stick to my thighs. No one could see it there, and the last thing I wanted was for people to think I was doing it for attention. In fact, I would rather die than have anyone find out about it. 

I rushed to clean it up and bandage the cuts. In the middle of tending to the wounds, though, there was a knock at my door. “Shit,” I whispered under my breath. I had to stop midway through bandaging my arm to throw on a sweater and hope the bleeding had mostly stopped. 

“[X]? Are you in there?” It was spencer. “I just wanted to check on you… after, y’know, everything that happened today.” He knocked again. “I can see the lights on, [X]. Please let me in…” he pleaded. 

I took a deep breath and opened the door for him, forcing a smile onto my face. “H-hey, Spence,” I said. He walked into my room. It was silent for a moment, and he was staring at me like he already knew what was going on. “Thanks for checking in, but I promise, I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep well last night,” you explained. Spencer took a deep breath. 

“You don’t seem to sleep well any nights, [X]. We’ve known each other for months now, and I notice these things. At first, I thought it was just how you looked. I started noticing little things, though. You constantly fall asleep in class, and you live on a steady diet of overly sugary coffee,” he said in an accusatory tone. 

“Spence, I don’t really know what you’re trying to say. I just don’t sleep well. It’s no need to jump to conclusions,” I replied, my tone much ruder than I had intended. “Sorry… I swear, though. There’s nothing wrong.” He didn’t seem convinced. “Well, you’re here anyways, wanna play some games? I’ve got a few here,” you suggested, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Sounds fun,” Spencer replied, a small smile beginning to show on his face. I smiled back and walked to the bookshelf that had the games on top. I stood on my tip toes trying to reach. “Here let me help,” Spencer got up and walked over. As he reached up next to me, though, my sleeve slipped, revealing the bandages. I quickly pulled my arm back. “[X]... what happened to your arm?” Spencer asked me, his tone becoming even more worried than it had been before. 

“I fell and scraped my arm earlier… It’s no big deal.” I lied. Spencer grabbed my arm, causing me to flinch. “Ow, Spence! Let go!” I shouted trying to pull my arm out of his grip. He just stared at me, then looked down and began undoing the bandages. His jaw clenched when he saw what had been hidden. 

“[X], what are these? What happened?” Spencer stared at me, and I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“It’s no big deal, Spencer,” I said as I yanked my arm out of his grip and pulled the sleeve back down. “You should’ve just left it alone…” 

“How can I leave something like that alone?” he shouted back. He took a deep breath before talking again. “I’m sorry for yelling, but how could you not tell me about this? I could’ve helped… before it went this far.” 

“No, Spencer, you couldn’t have helped, because this isn’t about you. You knowing couldn’t have stopped it, nor would it change what I’ve done in the past. There is so much of me that I have purposefully hidden from you,” my voice was starting to get shaky, but there was no way I was about to cry.  

“Don’t you trust me, [X]?” he asked, a tear falling down his cheek. 

“This isn’t about me trusting you or not! I didn’t want you to think less of me… I didn’t want you to see me how I see myself!” I shouted, the tears finally starting to fall down my face. Without warning, Spencer pulled me into a hug. I was shocked at first, but I finally put my arms around him as the tears came pouring down my face. 

“I’m sorry…” he said. 

“You don’t understand…” I said through sobs. 

“You’re right. I don’t, but I’d like to. I want to understand. I want to be there for you when you feel like this…” Spencer said gently. We stood in silence as I cried onto his chest, his arms still wrapped around me. My tears finally slowed to the point where I could speak. 

“Thank you… so much, Spencer,” I whispered. “You have helped so much more than I can even explain, and this isn’t your fault at all. God, please understand that this isn’t your fault,” my lip started to quiver again with the words. 

“Hey, shhhh, I know. I know it’s not. It’s okay, [X],” he cooed. “You’re the best friend I’ve had in a long time, and I want to help. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, though, so you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to,” he explained. 

“No, no, it’s not that… I’ve just never told anyone about this before. I need some time to figure it out, first,” I replied. 

“That’s okay. I understand. Right now, let’s get you cleaned up,” he smiled weakly at me - that smile that could make me smile even in my darkest moments. “And then maybe we could play those board games you suggested earlier?” 

“Y-yeah, I’d like that a lot,” I said, wiping the remaining tears from my face. Spencer gently cleaned and bandaged the wounds on my arms. He excused himself for a moment and came back with arm fulls of candy and soda from the vending machines in the lobby. We made ourselves comfortable with some blankets and pillows on the floor and began playing board games. We stayed up laughing and talking all night, only stopping when Spencer suggested I get some sleep for my sake. 

“Goodnight, [X],” he said as he helped me into bed. Spencer then gently kissed my forehead. He began to walk away, but as the door opened, I stopped him. 

“Spencer… Thank you,” I said to him. He smiled gently back at me before leaving and closing the door behind him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't put notes in my stuff, but here we are. This is a bit of a vent/coping piece. I wrote it in first person instead of second since it's personal, but I still left the name as an insert thing. My mental health has taken a shit recently, and I have to hide it a lot so I wrote this. I'm in the middle of writing part 2 of my Reid fic "You Win", but I got a bit burnt out so I wrote this instead. Hope you liked it! <3


End file.
